Sick

Updated: May 14

I was hooking my boyfriend’s laptop up with the Adobe Creative Suite when I saw some bullshit on his computer! As I was waiting for the software to download, I saw his Facebook open. We weren’t friends on Facebook and I wondered why? Why weren't we "Facebook official"?


I mentally debated if I should look at his Facebook?


Do it! No. Why?! It’s an invasion of privacy. Privacy?! It’s a public profile, dummy! Don't you think it’s a little suspicious he hasn’t sent you a friend request? Or that your relationship is not even Facebook official. No, silly! He can’t even torrent. Let alone figure out his Facebook settings. This is not a tech savvy guy. Tech savvy?! What are you talking about?! A friend request isn't hard.


A part of me felt like it was wrong and the other part of me was curious: Why weren’t my boyfriend and I friends on Facebook? We both had profiles. We both spent time there. We had 12 friends in common, and I had no idea what he was posting.


Look at his profile!

I didn’t think twice about it.. Until now...

I clicked on it.


I sat silent, scrolling post after post, throat and chest burning.


What the f#ck?!


Post after post was sick girl after girl with a caption along the lines:


"I looove red heads.”

You love red heads mother f#cker?! I'm not a redhead and I've been your girlfriend for a year. Do you know how many times I've watched Game of Thrones with this asshole?! Sansa... Marjoree, and the Lady in Red (both sluts). It's been awkward every time. I couldn't believe my “boyfriend’s” secret obsession with red heads. It wasn’t even a secret! It was on his Facebook.


It was just a secret from me.


I was so disgusted I kept scrolling. “She's so hot!"

“Look at this one.” Look at this one?! What are you a human trafficker?!

It was insulting.


My throat and my heart burned so bad. I just wanted to smash his laptop.

79% download complete


Ha! Here I am downloading programs for him, and he’s posting this bullshit in his Facebook in front of our 12 mutual community college friends. Who are these 12 a-holes, and how come no one said anything?!


I was hurt.

I was mad. I felt insulted.


My best friend Amanda Tobalski was sitting next to me and felt my energy drop. "What's wrong?!" She asked. "I am not a redhead." I replied.


“What?”

I told her everything from the moment I met him to the redheads now. “Those girls aren’t even cute.” She said.


In this open, honest conversation, Amanda confessed that she was in a shitty relationship with a guy also named James, and she wanted out too. We both wanted out of our bad James relationships!


The Next Day...


We ate mushrooms and went on a hike up Big Cottonwood Canyon. Already, I was feeling great like, "James is gross and I don’t need no man!"

On mushrooms, Amanda and I positively discussed/analyzed our life choices. We then saw our James situations in a completely different light. James was probably abused as a child, or his dad was a dick to his mom, or he just had issues.


James is still a child of God,

but I don't need a man!

I have mother nature


Revelation:


Go! Go as far as you can! Spiritually, mentally, GO! Ditch the boy! And You'll Go Farther! Settling for James is settling for a life of bitterness, substance abuse (because pills are the only way I'd settle for this), sports and beer, and missed child support checks. Stop wasting your energy on boys and spend that energy on you!


Remember your dreams?!


Amanda and I hiked, danced, laughed and made a song called: "All About the Matriarch". I thought about my family. How I could be a decent human being, and how I could take better care of my body. I stretched into the sunshine and breathed deeper than I've ever breathed in my life, and replenished my lungs with fresh, glorious air!


We even said a prayer!

Mushrooms are incredible!

And healing!


Amanda and I came out of the trip mentally, emotionally, and spiritually stronger. Physically, drained! Overall, stronger! We realized that we need didn't need the James'. That we need to fulfill ourselves before expecting anything out of anyone else. Especially, boys who wannabe men. By the end of the trip, I didn't want to be in the relationship and neither did Amanda. We created the "No J@m#s, club" and made a pact to break up with our boyfriends.


How?


Quick and clean. "I took your computer to the pawn shop. It's over." That's criminal. "It's over!" Dramatic and not enough explanation. Block and ignore him? When you have 2 classes together in a 50 man film program at South City?


I was burning with the desire to break-up, but scared. I didn't know how, I just knew it was over. The connection was severed. I had information I couldn't ignore, and I didn't want it.


Dang


He doesn't know what I know.

I still had his computer, but I didn't want to see his face.

I had a pit in my heart.

Hurt.


I text him. "It's over."

He called me again and again and again.

I looked at his name flash across the screen forever. 36 times.

I answered and said everything. He guilt tripped me into being a snoop, and said: "You will not break up with me over a stupid post on Facebook!"

"I just did."


Call after call.

All morning. All day.

Voicemail: "Can we talk?!"


©Val Douroux 2022