Updated: May 24
No matter where I went, the exact same problems followed.
Everything I'd ever done was coming back at me like a boomerang I didn't catch.
I left Utah to get space from my issues, but my issues consumed mental space no matter where I went. I couldn't escape my thoughts. Everything I left, I thought about in every new thing. Even in a far physical distance (on the opposite side of the country), my issues were at the forefront of my brain.
I had unresolved issues.
First: A poor relationship with my parents.
It affected me every day. Even if I don't talk to them, I still think about them. I think I'm right. I think they're wrong. I think it doesn't matter anymore.
Second, my brother, a heroin addict. He told my parents I was addicted to heroin at the age of 17 to take the spotlight off his own addiction. I felt betrayed. It damaged the trust my parents and I had for each other. I was FURIOUS I even had to defend the allegation. On top of that, I genuinely worry about my brother and pray to God he lives every day.
Every day, I think this thought.
My relationship with my family was bleeding into all relationships I started with other people. My friends, my work, and potential boyfriends. I have relationship issues. I'm thirsty.
I did a quick monkey-bar from one boyfriend to the next, and that has oozed back sloppy. I lept! I monkey barred from a bitter 29 year old divorcé to a young 19 year old Mormon.
Backstory: My ex-boyfriend couldn't have cared less while we were dating. The moment I became interested in him, he became disengaged. We compromised. We dated for a year. Then, I found weird redhead shit on his computer. I felt degraded and called it off. He acted ALL into me, like "I'm gonna change my ways", and I was weak. I forgave him. I tried to bring back the good feelings, but it was never the same. The second I sniffed what genuine respect and appreciation for a woman feels like, I lept. I monkey-barred. I lept! I monkey barred from a rebel to a Mormon.
Now, my young Mormon boyfriend wants to go on a mission, and my ex-boyfriend is offering to buy a plane ticket home. My Mormon boyfriend is PISSED I'm still talking to my ex-boyfriend. Now... I get why.
The last MAJOR thing that's consuming my mental real estate: I'm broke.
I have $1,000. It's not enough to live in New York. I am living on my friend's couch "temporarily" and I feel the expiration date coming soon.
I was sleeping on my friends' couch in the chicken-fried part of Brooklyn, really thinking about my life choices. It was February, freezing, and the bone-chilling walk from their apartment to the Subway only reminded me of how cold my heart was becoming towards life.
I really wanted to make it work, but I couldn't start a fresh life without resolving old issues. Every thing about my past life oozed into to this thing I was pretending to have going on. I wanted to make New York work, but I didn't want it bad enough.
Why would I want to pay 80% of my income to rent for 80% less space than I'm used to? The winter is cold. The rats are intimidating. The expense! The lack! The gap between the poor and rich of Manhattan - I'd rather be middle class in Utah than poor in Manhattan.
I don't need a lot.
I just need a space to call my own. A space I can afford. A space where I can create and present my art to the world. New York is a rich man's playground. I'm not trying to break my back working in a compromised living space. I'll never get ahead paying 80% of my income to rent. I'm going to resolve my issues, make a lot of money, confidently pursue my dreams, and come back to New York.
It's time to go!