Updated: Jun 15
I've always believed in God.
Except that one time at the University of Utah I was an atheist.
I was woke AF! Reading all those books. I was open, and my ideas of God were always changing.
I grew up Catholic.
My mom's Italian so by virtue "I'm Catholic". My family went to church every Christmas and Easter, and I prayed "Hail Mary" and "Bless Us Our Lord" every day. I had such a sweet and innocent love of God that I'd blow kisses to heaven. I believed in God, but everyone talking about God in my life was a bad example.
I witnessed mean spirited examples of God in Catholicism. My whole entire family (my parents, Grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles) who bickered, complained, and argued all the time. My "Catholic" Uncle who was a Pedofile. "Christian" Presidents holding Prayer Breakfasts while mass incarcerating non-violent Americans.
Very few "Christian" examples in the world are Christlike.
When I was 8 Years Old, my mom's work transferred our family to Utah where I first hand absorbed the Mormons. I hated them. They bugged. So bad. Everything about them was the same and everything about Utah looked the same: The churches, houses, and the people.
Every Sunday felt like a ghost town.
The Mormons were clicky, quirky, and eager. The first question many of them asked was: "Are you Mormon?" "No." My family has traveled, and no where in the world was has anyone's first question, "Are you my religion?"
What does it matter?
I believe in God, and I don't like the interpretation of God I see in you.
The Mormons bugged.
My first day of school at Twin Peaks Elementary, a little Mormon girl said: "You're going to hell because you're not a Mormon." It's all I needed to hate them. I thought Mormons were judgemental assholes. I wanted nothing to do with them or their religion.
Anytime a friend from school invited me to church, I'd say: "Hell no." My mom would get so mad and yell, "Invite them to our church!"... I'd have to remind her: We don't go to church. As much as you like to pretend, you shop every Sunday, and I'm right there with you buying Bath & Body Works 5 for $10.
The more religion was shoved in my face by pootie/wannabe examples of it,
the less I wanted to do with religion.
As I grew up, entertainment became my religion. It was easy to invest my heart and soul in something that entertained me. Music was my religion. Tv was my religion. Books, movies, and magazines were my religion. "Traditional" religion was boring. Entertainment at least cared to make a message interesting.
I developed my own religious belief system:
Have Fun & Entertain
Help Others & Be a Decent Human.
Entertainment as an influence was innocent... Until middle school. Then, it took a grossly immoral turn. I went from watching Nickelodeon and The Disney Channel to MTV. When music declined, so did morality. I went from "Baby, One More Time" to "Slave for You". Teen Mom to Jersey Shore. The more entertainment I absorbed, the less I thought about morality.
In high school, I completely rebelled against the notion of religion and all my friends did too.
When it came to everyday life and trials, I learned everything from the entertainment industry. Especially, sex. I didn't have a lot of conversations about sex.
I remember early in life, sex sounded like a dark and sinful thing. By the time I entered High School, it seemed like everyone was doing it and every song on the radio was singing about it. I wondered: How could sex be sinful when all the hit songs and Tv shows talk about it, and everyone is doing it? The songs were catchy too! The forces preaching against sex brought a lot of guilt and shame to the subject, while entertainment made it emotionally gripping. I remember thinking: If sex is so bad, why is it so publicized?
The more I consumed entertainment, the less I connected with God. Overtime, I thought less and less about God, and more about the everyday things of the world.
I made the choice to experience life without taking anyone's word for it. If you've never done drugs or had sex, you don't know. You're an outsider, looking in, pretending to know something you've never experienced. That's wrong.
I did drugs. I dated. I unfortunately fornicated.
I dodged a lot of bullets in High School, but the natural consequences of my choices caught up with me in college.
College (for me) was cesspool of sin. Young adults living on their own for the first time... First real taste of freedom. I started college open, bubbly, and light, and left with a lot of f#cked up energy.
I made a lot of poor choices, and in every poor choice, I drifted further away from God.
At this time in my life,
My dad bribed me $500 to get baptized into the Catholic Church. I was broke AF and could have used the money, but it raised a red flag... I thought I was baptized? My whole life, my family led me to believe I was baptized as a baby, and that I didn't remember, because I was a baby! “I’m not baptized?” I claimed! "No." He confirmed.
I will not join The Church of the Pedophile.”
MAD and OFFENDED, he YELLED: "Bitch Needs Jesus!"
Then, he blasted away in his M3.
I was so mad he said that!
God, what did I do to deserve a father like this?! I don't know any dads who call theirs daughter's a bitch?! Who am I to act surprised?! This certainly isn't the first time. How dare he! How dare this man claim to be religious?! How dare he
sandwich bitch and jesus in the same sentence?!
I was so mad!
I didn't talk to my parents for a season, and it's all I thought about all summer.
I disconnected from my family and dug a hole deeper and further. I rebelled from them, and any and all notions of religion.
I lived a fast life thinking I was free. Indulging in any opportunity to do good drugs, and sensationalize life. The truth is... That life only goes so high, and so far, and you can only obtain the highest high in balance. You can't do drugs all the time, and you can't indulged all the time, because it loses it's sensation.
My wreck-less choices ended up hurting people. My unconscious choices emanated an energy that started with good intentions, and ended with f#cked up energy. By my own accord, my energy boomeranged back as guilt and misunderstanding.
I had no morals. No light. No money.
I was making choices I did not want to be making. Digging myself in a dark spiritual pit. Spiritually, morally, physically, mentally, financially broke AF.
Be a decent human?!#%!?
What did that mean?
On my own,
I made a mess of my life.
I didn't feel good about many of my choices.
I woke up morning after morning and I just wanted to die. I had no energy. No motivation. A guilty conscience. Chaos. Confusion. Tremendous pain. Zero desire.
What happened to the loving, little girl who used to blow kisses to God? What happened to God?! When's the last time I even thought of God?
I haven't thought of God.
I haven't even heard mention of God from anyone I associate. I don't talk to my family. All my friends (and I) are hos. No one I know is living a life mentioning God.
I live in a world where no one mentions God.
I have misplaced my connection to God.
Disconnecting with God was a gradual process from the moment I lost my virginity to every indulgent choice I made after that. I unconsciously severed my connection with God.
God was always there. I turned my back on God.
And my life became a dark and gross disaster.
Without God, I had no light.
All I could say:
Lord! I need a divine intervention!
I dug a pit so deep, I had no idea how to get out. It was like my own little pit of Hell. I was tormented by my thoughts. In fact, every thing I thought was worst case. Physically, I developed a stiff neck and a hard heart. My choices attracted darkness and I was unconscious.
I was dating a bitter divorcé who had a secret obsession with redheads and I didn't find out about it until one gross year into the relationship. It was psychologically damaging for both of us. When I was interested in him, he wasn't interested in me. When I wasn't interested in him, he was all of a sudden interested in me. I wanted out!
When I met Mitchell, it was all the motivation I needed to leave a sick relationship and put my heart in a good place. Mitchell, as young as he was, 6 years younger than me (then 25!) was the example of a pure, kind, light human. The purest, calmest light of a human. Tall. Skater. Gorgeous blue eyes.
Instantly, I noticed something different about his spirit.
I told him he was different.
He told me he was Mormon. "Gasp!" I did not believe him.
"No you're not." I said. "Yes, I am." He laughed. "No! You're not. You're a skater! Skaters don't live a gospel doctrine life!"
He was cool.
He got my number and text me. He gave me rides, and didn't ask for gas money. He even opened my door! Excuse me?! That's never happened. I like it.
He's light and loving.
He gives me love and genuine attention. I felt, for the first time in my life, I could put my heart in a good place. Mitchell's a good example of believing in God. His beliefs made all the difference in his character. His grace. His integrity.
He lifted my spirits.
I was totally willing to look past the fact he was a Mormon.
Mitchell introduced me to his family. His parents were divorced, and his mother single handedly raised 4 boys. One could only do that through the divine grace of God!
One night, he invited me on a date for cupcakes.
He saw me for what I could become and changed my motivations. I went from making unconscious choices to making virtuous choices. He literally lifted my spirits and saved me by grace of God. I cannot describe the transformation in my life in any other way.
I got baptized May 10th, 2015, and my life is lighter and lighter every day.
I find my greatest joy in my family, my husband, and my son.
I am working hard to achieve dreams,
and living in a dream now.
Our mission and purpose is to connect with God again.
What you believe God is, God is in you.
God is the ultimate power of creation.
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