Updated: May 13
Once Emma offered me a pill, I had no control. I gave into temptation and weakened all sense of will power. "No pill left behind." Anytime I saw a lost or forgotten pill, I took it.
Emma and I both came from abusive homes - estranged from our families.
Emma comes from a Mormon family of 8-9 siblings and was sexually abused by her brother. Her family would rather not validate her claim and the issue still remains unresolved today. I had a Pedophile Uncle, my dad used to whip us with a belt... All my issues also got swept under the rug. Overtime, I became estranged from my family and their rough reactions to life. I began to think that anywhere would be better than living with my whack parents in my childhood home. Emma invited me to live with her.
I moved in with Emma. It began as a spiritual experience and ended in an abuse of power. I'd take extra care of her in exchange for free rent. She'd be the nurturing female figure I never had. She taught me that we all exchange molecules.
Our boundaries blurred.
In Summer 2009, I moved in with Emma. I slept on the couch of a friend with mild traumatic brain damage. Caring for her and her cat Sir Issac Newton. I cleaned the house, grocery shopped, took her to doctor appointments, ran errands, cooked, and organized her pills.
For the first time in her life, she lived in a clean apartment 24/7.
At first, I had serious anxiety moving into Emma's house. My family put a lot of pressure on me, and didn't provide alternatives to alleviate the pressure. Emma offered me a clonazepam to help with the anxiety. It was an innocent offer, and I took advantage.
The moment she offered me a pill, the moment I crossed the threshold into temptation. As I cleaned, I noticed pills everywhere. Pills on the floor, pills in the newspapers, pills spilling out of the cabinet. Oxycontin, Xanax Bars, Percocet, & Loratab. She had everything.
I'd take the pills.
I'd justify them as helping with the pain.
I lived on a steady diet of donuts and designer drugs.
I'd depended on my parents health insurance and to pay 1/3 of tuition. When I moved out, my parents withdrew all support. "If you think you can live on your own, you can pay your own bills." My parents said. At the same time, they inherited $700,000 from the passing of my Grandparents. They bought a brand new home, brand new Tvs, computers, ipads, and phones, and a brand new BMW from Germany. "Dad, Grandma and Grandpa helped you pay for college!"
They'd help me too!
I was hurt by the passing of my Grandparents.
I was mad at my parents for being selfish with their money.
I had a lot of pain from my family and from the car accident.
I took Emma's pills to ease my pain.
I had the conscience to say no.
I justified my conscience to say, "Yes." The pills were forgotten in the couch cushion."
My heart said, "No." In my mind, I couldn't manage my thoughts without them.
My thoughts in a normal state of mind: Angry at my parents. Hurt by our interactions. Occupied with frivolous things.
I took pills to ease the pain
and take my mind off this f*cked up life.